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Something isn't Right
April 9th, 2007 (05:30 pm)
OK.
I spent a fair hour writing a good long out-pouring of such thoughts as have graced my mind in the past 7 months as I have delved into a plane of existence that you could imagine, if you would, but you don’t because it is such a plane of existence. And then light-off flashed through for a few minutes and there goes that hour spent in selfish indulgence away from the workings of my family with such monetary resources as could feed a person for a day or such physical resources as would produce to food to feed I don’t know how many people for I don’t know how long. But that’s not the point. Well it is. That is the whole point of it. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. But the point that I don’t exactly know how many kilojoules of energy I used to power the computer for so long or what that energy could have done in helping to feed starving people is what is not the point. The fact that I used it is entirely the point.
I’m tired. Going for many months at a time without touching the keyboard of a computer and then trying to sit down and empty the thoughts that accumulate in that space of time onto the screen is difficult. Very difficult. Everything that I typed before was in order to explain the present. It was thoughts and recollections of past times and existences which I have not been able to express due to want of these little keys in a place near to me. But now my brain is only able to attach itself to the present and only able to express such. It is unfortunate for you, but reality for me. So I hope to put something down to give you insight into realities which you previously did not have access to.
Here I go again. I’ll try to give some explanation. But the explanation is only necessary if there’s something to explain, and I’m beginning to lose a grasp of the thing that needs explaining (ie the present).
There is a reason that I have been silent for 7 months. It has not been simply that I had no way of accessing the internet, because I did have a way, a distant one, but a way none the less. I have gone through time these 7 months. As you have. And time is only perceived in that things change: an object moves, grows, loses, gains. And so I have wound my way to this point. To the point where I could sit down and talk to you on your level, in a manner so removed from the level at which I live. Perhaps I do not sit comfortably, but I am sitting none-the-less, and, in the tro-tro’s of life, it is better to have an uncomfortable seat than no seat at all. Although a tro-tro has a destination, and that I’m not sure this has. If you can identify the noun that “this” refers to I’d like you let me know, because I can’t myself quite distinguish it.
The world that creates a thing like a blog where someone can sit down at a computer to pour out their thoughts to be viewed and commented on by others is at odds with the one I live in. You need a computer. But more than that, you need a solid house to protect the computer. You need electricity in that house. You need (and this is very rare) a way to access the internet. You need time to sit down and write. You need the knowledge of how to turn on the computer, how to open and use an operating system, how to use a web-browser and establish an account on a site. You need knowledge born of practice of how to type, or the words will come to slowly in relation to the thoughts to have any significant meaning. You need thoughts. You need the contact with concepts like death, time, love, hate, world, space, ocean, numbers, math, moon, starts, kangaroo, hippopotamus and all the many things of the world that we learn about through others, not through direct experience. You need words to form these thoughts, words that can express concepts beyond “buy bread” and “going to town.” You need an audience to whom you write, a purpose that inspires the thoughts. All of these you need. And most of them, with perhaps the exception of a house, are scarce commodities indeed here. And that is the vast difference between this world and the world in which I sit. And as to why today, I can tell you this, while yesterday and the many yesterday’s before that I was prevented by my existence of doing so I don’t know. All I know is that SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. I feel as if I am losing my grip on the place I held so tight in my family. The place of work and no thought, of a selflessness born not of religion or some other great personal sacrifice, but of ignorance and daily reality, that is the unending reality of Ester and millions of people all over the world. It is an existence where I can be hungry and there is hot chocolate left over from the children’s breakfast, but rather than consume it, I pour it down the sink. It is the product of not even considering that I, me, could have it, driven home by the shame that is given to those who indulge so freely in food that is not directly given to them. It is an existence I have known. But now it is slipping. My mind can not dwell in a place so devoid of rights. Not with the way it has known. Not with the concepts it has. And so it has debated with Anne. It has bantered with Sophie. It has spent many hours whirling within it’s self. And now it is splashing out.
This lacks the insight I had hoped I would be able to offer. It does not have the brilliant flourishes and fun that it might have had, had my mind been fresh. And so I apologize. For those of you who bear with me to the end. Thank you. I hope to do better next time. And yes, I now have a way to come to the internet, so if you email me, I will get it. But I will be coming here as infrequently as I can force myself to, because I can’t afford to keep this habit up and this really does have adverse effects on my mind as I try to balance all that I see around me in my mind. I slip too quickly back into the unthinking consumption. And, as such, I lose all that I have worked for these many months… to not be an American, but a Ghanaian. Right now I really am becoming an American in Ghana, to an extent that I feel more than I ever have before. And, while it is the truth, it is not the truth I want. And the ultimate reality of my existence depends entirely on what I do. So I will probably not be back until May. If you wish to contact me, do so sincerely, for I want to see the value of all communication, for all of it is precious, not senseless way you use it. If you want to talk to me, really talk. Life is short. The Catholics and the Buddhist both classify senseless chatter and gossip as sin, an undesirable trait to be abstained from. If you speak, speak with meaning. Email me, for I will check that to see news of colleges from my parents. And on that note, I will give you all a quick update on colleges and close. I will be going to Brown University. Yes, I know, whoever thought that the eccentric revolutionist would end up going to one in the Ivy League. And I will be studying to become a doctor, a general physician who can put people back together after they get ripped up by some war-lord’s US supplied guns, or debilitated by some disease that could have been wiped off the planet if we tried. Brown is in Providence, Rhode Island. Where will you be? Peace. It is Easter. May you look at all as Christ did on his dying day. And may we all know peace by it. Namaste. I love you.
